Doctor Dumbass

Occasionally in life you get the privilege to meet a truly genuine individual. Someone who isn’t afraid to be who they are, to say what they think, and do what they say. I think being in the CAF increases the odds of meeting people like this, and I count myself very fortunate to have known more than a few while I was serving.

One of the people I count in this category is my good friend (and former command team partner, Major (Ret.) William Wallace who’s story you will read below.

William and I first worked together at 2 Field Ambulance in Petawawa, Ont. in the early 2000’s. He was a Captain at the time and I was brand new no-hook Private. Naturally our paths didn’t cross much except for on PT (physical training), the occasional salute in the hallways, or at a random house party. I’m also pretty sure I recall him being fairly generous when handing out beer and wine during the annual Men’s Christmas Dinner. I say pretty sure because honestly I don’t recall much about those dinners; the attitude around drinking those days was a bit more…shall I say, relaxed.

We deployed together on OP STRUCTURE to Sri-Lanka in 2005 following the Tsunami that devastated that country and the region and then I didn’t see him again until I joined him as his Sergeant-Major for 23 Canadian Forces Health Services Centre in Winnipeg 12 years later. I had the pleasure of working with him in that capacity for just shy of two years where we built a strong and close friendship over our shared interests in hunting, common sense and a myriad of other issues.

William graciously sent me two hand written stories that he gave me permission to share and this is the first one.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

All the best,

John.

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This story takes place in RC South, Afghanistan during the period of transition from NATO to ISAF.

I arrived in Kandahar in the early fall when the temperatures were still in the 40’s (Celcius). This tour saw me as the Deputy Medical Director in charge of the PECC and J5 Medical Plans as part of the Dutch Lead Headquarters.

In my role as the J5 Med Plans I was tasked by my Lieutenant Colonel (LCol) Royal Dutch Marine boss to assist the Jordanians who were interested in joining the allied fight in order to appease their Yankee masters. The specific task was to plan and assist the medical element of the Jordanian Armed Forces to complete the build and fitting out of the Zabul hospital which had been abandoned by USAID due to the poor state of security in the province.

This particular story begins with the arrival of three Jordanian Colonel (Col) medical specialists at Kandahar Airfield (KAF). I met these three Col’s; an Internist, Radiologist, and Surgeon, as I recall, at the terminal. After receiving their baggage it became clear to me that they were expecting me to carry their kit out to my awaiting vehicle. They were advised that would not be happening and that if they wanted a ride to their quarters that they should grab their kit and follow me to my vehicle.

I could tell that this was the beginning of what would likely be an entertaining few days.

That evening I picked the three Col’s up at their quarters to take them for dinner and briefings with the RC South Command. After the evenings festivities they were advised to meet me at the ramp first thing the following morning to board a helicopter for the scheduled flight to Qalat. I was pleasantly surprised to find them on time and properly attired, including weapons, for a 3 day visit to Zabul province.

For the first afternoon and evening we were briefed on the security situation and agenda for the next 2 days, visited with and were briefed by the US Forward Surgical Team and dined with the Base Commander. All good so far.

The next morning at breakfast the Col’s advised me that they wanted to visit the weekly city bazaar. Neither I nor the US Army Sergeant in charge of our security detail thought it was a good idea. They also said that they wanted to visit Alexander’s Castle. Again, not a good idea, however given that we had time in the schedule the Base Commander directed us to ensure that these Col’s were able to safely see what they wanted to see because it was along the way to the Hospital and Afghanistan Army Base quarters which we would later be visiting.

All in all the visit went off without a hitch until it came to fly home at the end of the third day.

We were to arrive at the helo pad at the prescribed hour for the scheduled helicopter flight back to KAF. The helicopter arrived shortly after I, which was roughly 1/2 hour before the scheduled return flight. 15 minutes before departure Col’s Curly, Larry, & Moe showed up for the flight. Phew, problem averted, but not exactly…Col Moe showed up without his ballistic vest and helmet. I sent him away to get his body armour which was required to fly. He came back 10 minutes later saying that he could not find it and said that I was to give him mine. I said that wasn’t happening and told him he had 5 minutes to return properly kitted to fly. 10 minutes later Moe still had not returned and the pilots were pressing me to get boarded because they had a schedule to keep. I convinced the aircraft commander to wait an additional 5 minutes to see if Col Moe would show up. He did not, so I boarded and we left him behind.

Upon return I was to report to my boss, LCol DeBruyne that we had returned. He was furious when I told him tat I had left Col Moe behind at Qalat Air Base. I simply said that I was following his orders and that the Col should understand the principle of one man, one kit. He stormed off to his office where I and my colleague Major’s could hear him kicking the shit out of his filing cabinet. He returned a few minutes later to tell me that if Col Moe did not show up on the scheduled milk run the next morning that I would be catching the next available flight to Qalat to retrieve the Col. I then contacted Qalat Base Operations to make sure that they located Col Moe and to make sure that he boarded the next flight to KAF.

Fortunately the Col showed up the next day and an international crisis was averted.

Thanks for getting me in trouble Doctor Dumbass.