“The Art of Fucking The Dog”
There is a saying used pretty regularly that starts out with “Time is precious” which is then generally followed by something like “use it wisely” or some other generic sage piece of advice. If you close your eyes I know that you can picture that quote on a motivational poster from the late 90’s or early 2000’s. It was either accompanied by a cat, or some dramatic landscape with a man standing silhouetted by a setting sun. You know the ones.
It’s the type of saying that the CAF has never given much consideration to, and if anyone tells you the CAF is effective when it comes to the use of time, a veteran will likely want to strike up a very vigorous debate to the contrary.
In the CAF time is cyclical. Often as an organization it begins with glacial foot dragging, followed by frantic reaction to something, followed by proactive measures to correct the foot dragging, promptly followed by more foot dragging…etc. Militaries everywhere have coined the cycle, “Hurry up and wait”.
The periods of foot dragging are often filled with periods of seemingly pointless tasks to look like feet aren’t being dragged. Sometimes there isn’t even those task to do, either way these periods are called “Fucking the dog”. The urban dictionary definition of it is; “When someone is on the clock (work) and they stand around acting busy and actually do nothing.” It’s a part of being in uniform, no one is immune, everyone experiences it regardless of their element, trade or rank. If they tell you otherwise they’re lying.
One of the submissions I received back when I first started this project was from Cpl (ret) Jessica Davis. She served from 2009 to 2019 and her last posting was 1 RCHA at CFB Shilo in Manitoba. Her story has captured a lot of the same experiences, and feelings that I and many other CAF veterans are very familiar with but which you will never see in the recruiting videos or glamourized by Hollywood.
Thank you Jessica for sharing!
All the best,
John
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I am going to start a book….
How my time was wasted as a member of the Canadian Armed Forces
The art of fucking the dog.
Chapter 1 - Memo writing
A memo, short for memorandum, is a soldier's main form of communication with their chain of command. The memo is a very specific document that every chain of command likes to be done differently. Also attached to a memo could be a minute sheet, stating pretty much the same thing. Today I printed the same memo four time, wasting 4 sheets of paper and at least an hour of my time. The waste was over the spacing at the margins of the page. The content in the memo was fine, perfect grammar, spelling and getting my message across in a clear and concise manner. But it was the margins that were all off, definitely changing how the memo would be viewed and showing my incompetence’s as a soldier.
Chapter 2 - The Sweep and Squidgy Dance
At the end of each work week military troops across Canada take part in the ritual of sweeping and the floor. This signifies the end of the work week and the troops work together to get the job done. Thumbs up for a clean work environment. However, over my career I have witness some pretty useless sweeping and many in the CAF would be right to include professional sweeper on their resume. Certain military trades may find they have lots of down time in between field exercises and training, and it is not uncommon for troops to sweep a perfectly clean floor followed by a thorough wetting down of the cement floor. In the squeegee part of the dance there is one member who controls the hose, this member holds the power of the dance and guides the other along. The hoser ensures the whole floor is wet and may spray the squeegee pushers if given the opportunity. The pushers then one by one glide across the shiny cement floor forcing the water into a drain. Moving in an angled line is best for maximum water removal. Other sweeping rituals include the sweeping of an outdoor driving area, usually done days before the event as to render the sweeping utterly pointless.
Chapter 3 - The Pre-Parade, The Parade and The Post-Parade
Time honoured military tradition is truly found during a parade. Not the kind where candy is thrown down upon thee. But the kind where soldiers are given the once over, receive praise and awards or get the stay safe over the long weekend talk. In all seriousness, a military parade can be a somber moment to remember the fallen, and those times are of the utmost importance. But it is the daily parades in military life that could be considered a true waste of time. Troops will receive the order to be ready for parade at 7:25, which really means to be 10 minutes early, only to form up 10 minutes after the given time, then to wait another 10 minutes after shuffling around for about 10 minutes, for the officer in charge to present reasons for the parade in about 2 minutes, and for the highest NCO to give further direction for the parade to be under the TSM and for the TSM to tell us to go back to work. All in all a good 45 minutes of standing with your feet apart and sometimes putting your feet together in attention and most of the time not being able to hear a thing while being yelled at. I have attended the pre-parade or fluffing up parade as some like to call it, where you are given the once over to ensure your dress and appearance are judged. And the post-parade where the highest NCO is usually handing out fresh piles of the stinky stuff after the officers have left. Sometimes I wonder when the clown cars will drive past.
Chapter 4 - The Town Hall
The military hierarchy is large, one for the Forces as a whole, one for the Army, one for the Navy and one for the Airforce, this means lots of high-ranking individuals. When these high-ranking individuals decide to grace the lowly troops with their presence we have “the town hall”. A chance for the everyday solider to see the big boss face to face and ask his/her burning questions. But wait, just one question per Battery, and it better be a good one, one that could be coin worthy. Now as we approach the town hall, we must refer to Chapter 2, because you cannot present the boss with a dirty floor. And from time to time, we bring out the dogs and ponies for the show too! We should also consider Chapter 3, we wait for the high rank to appear while in parade formation and then the high rank wants to be more personal, we move into the banana formation. It never seems to matter how high and mighty the boss is…the message is pretty much the same, great job, keep up the good work, here is what is next. And the same reminders are always mentioned Op Honour, spend time with your family and work and train hard. As the high rank disappears, we all give ourselves a pat on the back and a big old “Thanks for your service”.
Chapter 5 - The Final Days
A release of any kind from the Canadian Armed Forces must be made with serious thought. A huge life change is upon someone releasing from the forces, especially for those who have been in service for 10 years of more. Military offers a secure job, decent pay, great benefits and a significant amount of time off. And these benefits will be used against you if you are on track for a voluntary release. What will you do? Where will you work? You won’t ever find benefits like these! Even if you have a solid plan these scare tactics will be used. However, if this job and lifestyle is not all you imagined, or keeping you unhappy, I urge you to consider making a change. I am proud to have served, I have gained many skills and worked hard during my career, and I am proud for all the ‘fucks given’. But I will not miss the bullshit that we all experience, the attempt to do your job properly when no one else around you cares to do theirs properly, the lack of recognition or a simple thank you after a job well done (not the one we get from the chain of command or at the town hall). I will miss the people I have met, the connections made and the friendships. I will miss the opportunity to fuck the dog all day long by just visiting with coworkers. In the final days there is a lot of reflection on the past and there should be hope for the future.
Thanks to you guys for making my final year in the Forces better, I am honoured to have served with you and wish you all the best in the future. Cheers.
Chapter 6 - The Final Chapter
The final chapter. Today I received a retroactive pay from the Forces, random but pretty neato! It really got me thinking about my time in the military and my new civilian life since leaving the Forces. Thus, I write you the final chapter from the book I had started years ago. You know many co-workers said “the grass isn’t greener on the other side...you will be back...what are you going to do when you get out of the military...you won’t be able to find a better job.” Maybe they were trying to scare me into staying, perhaps they were actually concerned I was making the wrong decision or maybe they were jealous that I wasn’t afraid to leave the security the military can provide I wasn’t scared to leave because I had a plan and a job before even leaving the forces, a good one with decent pay and great benefits. And maybe the grass isn’t greener on the other side, but there are less piles of shit. As a Rural Municipal Administrator, I still have to deal with the big boys club, my job is all about multi-tasking, I have to clean up the messes left behind my other administrators and I am forces to deal with others who can’t be bothered to do their jobs properly. But I did get a much better job title….Chief Administrative Officer. There is just one thing I miss about being in the Forces...the people. The ones I could spend day in and day out with just 'fucking the dog'. The ones who could always put a smile on my face by just coming for a visit. The ones who wanted to push hard during a workout. I miss trying to solve problems with the people around me. I miss complaining with you about all the stupid military bullshit we had to do. And most of all I miss Buds Birthdays!
Jessica Davis
Retired Corporal, 2009-2019, last post at 1 RCHA, CFB Shilo